When someone I care for deeply attempted to take their own life… I’ll admit that at the time, I hadn’t yet experienced too much of the real world myself- in retrospect, I was a baby without a clue.
It hurt so badly, like my stomach dropped into a bottomless pit + the largest part of my heart obliterated- reality became distorted and I didn’t know which way was up.
Wasn’t an immediate impulse to inquire about why a person would even get to the point of reaching such desperation, in my egotistical state– I actually took it personally- but the school of life definitely had some lessons in store.
Flash forward as pain went from being a part of my existence to taking over it – there have been many nights I wasn’t convinced I’d make it to the morning — a lot of which I’d actually hoped or wished not to.
Conveying this led to labels such as anxious, depressed or my personal favorite- insane, and to be fair, when I’ve witnessed what seemed to be overly emotional or dramatic scenes, my past judgement has been similar.
Attempting to carry on with my days as if my insides weren’t destructing, I wholeheartedly believe I did begin to go a bit mad – the final days prior to being forced to retire from traditional workforce forever, I began having severe panic attacks that would leave me without oxygen + felt as though my heart burst through my chest which I now understand was my body’s way of taking a very literal stand, protesting and refusing to be ignored or silenced.
How long could anyone go being hurt, with inability to think straight, get relief or obtain any sort of a respite from never ending drain while also remaining chipper and of sound mind?? Get real.
I found myself involved in things I shouldn’t have been in effort to mask symptoms, including but not limited to frames of thought that nearly caused my own contemplation of ending things- multiple times.
Ironically as my position on the idea of suicide evolved, as did it with thoughts pertaining to Marijuana- reflecting back upon how I’d stuck my nose up that plant for 23 years until I’d nearly had felt I couldn’t take it any more so finally broke down to try, henceforth expanding my mind to new horizons–saved me.
My dark moments in their own sense, did the same…
Along the way, I’ve lost others who I care about whether by overdose, bullet to the head or the like and it is by understanding that vulnerable aching + never ending pain, of course it’s breathtakingly tragic – yet I also feel relief for those who are gone..
Thinking back to a few patients I’d known who opted for a medically induced goodbye, I still ponder the concept of selfishness– families begging loved ones to hang on, for their sake, despite the agony – or the patient themselves, possessing a legitimized desire for suffering to end.
Though I’ll never cheerlead for anyone to go out that way, to be frank: it’s no one else’s decision what other people choose to do with their own lives, it was self absorbed of me in my loved ones moment, to even really be caught up in how I felt — doesn’t mean how I feel didn’t matter, just that the situation was far bigger than me.
On top of agonizing pain, my loved one has a mental illness, which hadn’t been a discovery for me until after their attempt- not to suggest they’re sick for reaching that place but the sickness itself played a hand in them arriving there…
This person had just been handed pill after pill, to mask what has now been declared as severe complex post traumatic stress disorder that had evolved beyond recognition due to the deeply rooted issues that stemmed from an incredibly young age..
Our bodies keep track of experiences and essentially stores them, I am so grateful that this individual who I wholeheartedly love is still around today but there are countless others who are not–
The two of us had a discussion recently, it was mentioned that had there been a better understanding throughout the family dynamic as well as among health care professionals, things could have been so different for all involved- how many others could that same truth be declared for?
I now personally understand the difference between a longing to die as opposed to wishes for hurt to cease- it’s my personal belief that we have all reached a point life might have felt as though it were just too much, how that has been expressed differs but it is very human — a valuable point this same person made, is how other disorders are empathized throughout modern society but when it comes to the darkness we all carry to an extent, we’ve denied it to the point we are now seeing that play out globally.
The Mental Health crises we’re facing today, is what makes a Campaign like #MayWePrevail so important.
Thanks for reading, spread the word & please don’t suffer alone ~
By M.Mays
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